Reel Horror

House of the Dead asin: B0000YEE6C

House of the Dead directed by Uwe Boll is an overblown cheese fest. The Only
thing missing from this film is the Harlem Globetrotters and Cloris
Leachman. Do we not learn from previous video game movies? I am still
reeling from Street Fighter the movie when the Good guys arrived in rubber
boats that couldn’t be sunk, but that’s a whole different review. House of
the Dead starts out with a bunch of 20 something kids trying to get to a
rave on a deserted Island, but of course they missed the boat along with the
script. The girls in the film are as usual extremely pretty and the guys are
dumb as driftwood. Simon (Tyron Leitso) the “Male Model” who throws his cash
around and charters a boat from Capt. Victor Kirk (Jurgen Prochnow) and yes
the jokes are in the movie so don’t think your so clever. The boat crew is a
creepy 2nd mate Salish (Clint Howard). Salish thinks its bad karma for the
boat to go to the island. But when the gun running cigar smoking Captain
Kirk is given a lot of money of course he goes. Is this making any sense
yet?
After 15 minutes of aerial shots the boat heading for the Island, and the
US Coast Guard chasing Captain Kirk from miles behind. The death and
hilarity ensue. Quick shots of the 14 people rave and yes I repeat 14
people. I have been to raves and they have more than a basketball team
attending. The kids arrive to the island and when they get to the party
destination it is clear that all the attendees have come to a gruesome
demise. Will that stop Greg (Will Sanderson) from getting it one with his
girl Cynthia (Sonya Salomaa) of course not. Before every becomes a zombie we
are given our fare share of gratuitous nudity. This maybe the best part in
the film. Oh and did I mention that clips of the video game are
inter-spliced with what is going on in the movie, yet for the most part the
video clips having nothing to do with the action on screen. More and more
people begin to die and they now have to team up with the Coast Guard
Officer Casper (Ellie Cornell) whose been chasing Kirk for hours. She and
Captain. Kirk put off there troubles because if they don’t the undead party
hoppers will pounce on them like a fat girl at a smell contest.
One scene in the movie actually enjoyable, when the last few survivors head
towards a creepy house they have there own cool Matrix-style scenes. The
scene is a bit long because the thousands of zombies are attacking from all
directions. Watch Liberty (Kira Clavell) she is super hot and kicks major
ass. After Captain Kirk is bitten it is clear his end is near and they must
leave their trusted friend to die a horrible death. I wish Zombies bit me so
I could forget this film. As the film progresses the last few people are in
the house. Know I know this film is actually supposed to lead up to the
video game but the house is as big as a Hollywood bungalow. Isn’t this House
of the dead not a small few room cabin. Oh and I forgot to spoil the end of
the film. The reason the people become Zombies is because of some 16th
Century Spanish Conquistador evil doctor, yes that is what I said. And stay
for the brilliant swashbuckling end scene with Alicia (Ona Grauer) and
Castillo (David Palffy) you’d wish they’d remake Zorro, the gay Blade.
The film is full of inside jokes to other people films and a not so subtle
reference to the Dead Trilogies. Shame on them! You want to watch a great
Zombie movie watch the new Dawn of the Dead. The few scenes that are
somewhat entertaining can’t make up for the poor storyline. This could have
been something as good as Resident Evil but it just wasn’t. I hope Alone in
the Dark is going to be a much better film.